Is this the end or just the start of Something really, really beautiful Wrapped up and disguised as something really, really ugly?

(These are all transferred from another web page, so it's a little old, but still very reliant)
Hey,
So I'm sitting here not sure what I'm going to quite say. But something keeps telling me that the 20 million things that keep going over and over in my head need to be herd by you. At this point I can't say anything to change your feelings or our relationship. That is dependent completely on you. I don't know what your thinking, or what you want. But as much as I try to tell myself that you never loved me, that's the one thing I can't do. Witch is why no matter what I do you are ALWAYS on my mind (not exaggerating at all[!]). So I feel that me writing this to you is more for me than it is for you, maybe it'll help me put together the jumbled up feelings I am so distraught by.
I'm so lost and so confused. I feel Happy, sad, confused, distraught, disappointed, miss led, alone, and scared. When I first met you it seamed to be fate. I remember one night I txted you (something along these lines):
What are the chances of two people meeting my a mere accident and fall in love?
and you responded:
I don't know, but I'm glad they do.
Haha or do you remember when we first started txting and I was playing at Makail's house, we had gone out side and where ridding scooters and I told you I was cold and you where like:
I'm sorry
and I was like:
Your supposed to say I'll come warm you up haha.
I remember when I wanted to meet you, I was SO irritated with waiting for good weather that I was going to drive down. Haha I probably really would have too if you didn't talk A LOT of scene into me. You where always doing that, balancing me out helping me not be so irrational. Then when you came up for new years and almost didn't hang out that night (witch was totally NOT the way I thought it'd be haha definitionaly thought we have a blast) I was hurt, and mad, and you really just didn't get why I was so mad. I remember Hannah talking to you and telling you why. I was very glad you did tho :). I remember pulling up SO nervous and Hannah was saying how lucky I was. I still remember when I saw you not really sure what I expected, but you where ha.... you made me smile. I was really happy when you took me staking with you, even if it was FREEZING haha, I enjoy watching you, and when you wanted me to meet your friends in Roosevelt it made me happy that you wanted me to be part of your life. IDK if that's what it meant to you, but to me it meant that and more. Ha I actually didn't want to meet them because I was scared of messing up or not being hmmmm how do I say this, well I wanted... haha I don't know how to say it.
I love the way you held me. Or the look in your eyes. And when you'd tell me I love you. At times I feel like a stupid girl for believing it, or when you said forever, and foolish for picturing us together forever, that I was your everything, and telling myself you where mine. And angery because when I told you I didn't want to have sex before mirage and I told you of ONE example from my friend, who was engaged and they had sex and he left her, and you told me he didn't really love her like I love you, you had weighed out the pro's and cons, had everything figured out, and you'd never leave me. I believed it too, and maybe it's my fault, or maybe it's just we where blind and didn't want to accept anything ets. But when I recall everything we had together, the things you did, the way you made me feel, that look in your eyes, I DON'T feel stupid for beliving it, just confused, how could something so wonderfull end, and why test it if I can't have it? I get so lost and try to tell myself it was never really love, but I can't belive it, not one bit. And then I cry because it's gone and that hurts more than it not being real.
And now I just don't know what to do, I feel so lost. Weather going on is the best thing or not. Weather or not I can find love like ours again, or even if I don't could you? Bottom line, please promise me that if you decided that it's over for good, please promise me that you're not just throwing away everything we had because you are scared or hurt. Promise me that when I walk down the Ille for my wedding you will be happy for me, either because it's you at the other end or because I finally moved on and I'm no longer your burden, promise you wont be full of regret for letting me go. Promise that you'll sleep at night and be happy with your life.
I took you for granted, I thought that if you loved me you'd do anything to keep me, I thought you'd be there forever, but apparently it doesn't work like that. Even tho I know that our love was real, I don't know why things are happening the way they are. And I'd love to hear your side, but you've made it very clear that you don't want to, you expect everything to be swept under the rug with time, but fear it because it was never REALLY cleaned. I want to clean it up Austin, but I'm sorry if we can't.
You told me:
"Promise me next time you'll be happy before you have sex with them."
I was happy with you, you promised me forever, I will always love you more than word can enplane! Please don't EVER believe anything other than that. I love you, now and forever! God help me to be strong no matter what happens.
This really did help me. And while I still don't really understand everything, I feel more okay.
Some times I think that everything was all my fault I was pushy and needy and ungrateful and whinny ( a typical girl). Others I think it's you being suborn and not really knowing anything els cause this is your first serious relation ship that you don't get , either way, I love you and I know you love me knowing that is enough for right now.

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-My thought's and feelings after first REAL break up-
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love you, forever and always.
I wrote this list of my perfect love just before I met him, and it matched him 110%.
My perfect love:
Sweet
Thoughtful
Not cocky
Not controlling, but still has a mind
Good values
Fun
Hard working
Respectful
Self respect
Honest
Attractive

He got mad at me when I told him I was going to start dressing like a skank to make my parents mad, he said: "That's not who you are."
He yelled at me to buckel up and wouldn't stop until I did, just before a car almost hit us on my side.
He left his friends and family moved three hours away so he could be with me.
He'd call me to get out of bed when I was tired and wouldn't get up my self, because he knew what school meant to me.
He ended our relationship because he knew that the church meant to me and he wanted me to be happy.

"I see you leanin', you're bound to fall I don't want to be that mistake I'm just a dreamer, nothing more you should know it before it gets too late, I"m better as a memory than as your man. ... All I wanna doohoohoooodoohoohoooodoohoohoooodoohoohoooodoohoohoooodoohoohoooo is love you."

I have so many things going threw my head right now. How could something so wonderful end? You may think that I’m being a silly teenage girl, but for any of you who know me you know I’m VERY realistic. When I met him it was fate. I looked at all the silly relationships that people had, when they said, "I love you" I laughed thinking you have no idea what that means. Every one that I told felt like we would be together forever. They could see in the way he looked at me that he loved me. He promised me we would be together forever. And I knew that we would, like I know the church is true. But now it’s over. Is it over? He’s still here, he still talks to me, we still hang out, and he still means the world to me. I can’t figure out why god put him in my life if we weren’t meant to be.
In the summer he will be moving back to Roosevelt and this scares me, because he is farther away and can meet other girls. I can’t stop him from doing this, and I wont, but it doesn’t mean it wont hurt. I locked myself in my room for two day’s wouldn’t talk to any one, wouldn’t eat (nothing sounded good) and wouldn’t do anything (I lost interest in everything). Eventually I realized that if I made myself happy again then at least he would be happy I was happy.Because that's why he loved me. Not because I had a nice but, or perfect boobs( as Sheridan and Hannah remind me of ever so bluntly) but because I am caring, giving, understanding, honest; I was his qualities to his perfect love.

So that’s what I’m working on now. But I don’t know what to do because I’m afraid of pushing him farther away. I don’t know what is going to happen, I don’t know that is best, and it’s hard not knowing. I can only trust God; he is the only one that knows what will happen. And I can only go on as the best me, because that's who he fell in love with.

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-Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 1:48am-
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KK I'm so freaking happy right now. Austin and I where watching a movie and he needed to go but I didn't want him to go because I only get to see him every once in a while and this weekend kinda sucked because I have a college adution witch means I'd get to see him for a couple of hrs. tonight (friday) and like 2 hrs on Sunday before he had to go back. But the little booger had a surprise. HE MOVED DOWN HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!:] He finally found a job and he's down here for good!!!!!!!!! OMG I am so happy!
AND I haven't had my voice for a full two days so that SUCKED!! But I have it back now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crazy stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALSO DONELLE!! My old dance teacher surpised me at dance yesterday!!! Every one, even my history teacher Toby knew she was comming but they all kept it from me to surprise me!! I was SO HAPPY I love her and I miss her dearly!!!
Pretty much my life is amazing right now!!!

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-7/9/2009 2:34 AM-
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I want to tell you:
I know you love me, but why don't you say it?
That it hurts.
...
And there's alot more. But mostly,
I'm scared.
I want to be with you forever. But only if you want me.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Austin
Date: Jan 27, 2009 8:31 PM


what about the first time i said it and i have said it first yes i do love you!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ♥ BRITTANY♥
Date: Jan 27, 2009 8:29 PM



HMMMM some times I'm not convinced when you say that... IDK I'm just crazy. I feel like you feel obligated to say it because I did... but then I guess I say it alot... SO IDK. But I love you!! SOOOO MUCH!!
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Austin
Date: Jan 27, 2009 8:26 PM


oh ha i love you too

-------------------------------------------------
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Austin (47438567)
To: ♥ BRITTANY♥ (15744129)
Date: Feb 7, 2009 6:58 PM
Subject: RE: Love you


I love you babe!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
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I love you!
I wish I could go back to the begging and not make any mistakes, but threw all it I've gotten to know me, you, US better.
I know your scared, but please decide:
What your really want
How you really feel
What is going to happen.
... I want you to be happy.
With love yours forever any always,
Brittany Elaine Castleton.

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-7/16/2009 3:48 AM -
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Break up for real? ...:::
I finally blocked your number,
I hope I'm not making a mistake.
I want us to work out, and you know I'll do anything!!
But you have to want it to, or it wont.
I love you more than anything!!!!!
And I'm sorry for everything. I don't know what els to do.
I know you love me.
Eventually I HOPE we can at least be friends. But I PRAY for US to work out.
I PROMISE things would be different. But ONLY if you REALLY want US.
I broke a promise, I changed who I was...
but I thought it'd make things better cause you felt like that me was in the way of US. Obviously I thought wrong... But what els was I supposed to do?? When you wouldn't let go of things, I made the change, and that's how things ended up this way.
...
I love you, I will always love you more than ANY ONE. I was happy with you!! And I am still yours forever. I'll never let go of US.

Why I love you.
You loveed me
You made me smile.
You gave me butter flies when I looked at you.
when I'm in your arms nothing elts matters.
In the beggining you understood me.
You encouraged me to be the best me.
You didn't care if I was all dressed up, you loved me any ways.
You had standards.
You where just chill.
You where honest with me (not really your feelings tho, you hid thoes).
You where thoughtful.
My family loves you.
You are a hard worker, even tho you hate work.
And I could go on and on,
Pretty much you are my everything.

I love you forever and always, please promise me you'll be happy.

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From my Journal on 06.02.09
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We met on My space, I added him because I thought he was an Austin I knew in Springville (witch was a different friend of Kevin Reeds, small world right? I.E. Kevin was my ex's best friend and we had a fling, then I figured out what Kevin really was a well yea he was history). We started talking and met on New Years. We hung out for the couple of days he was up here. On new years we spent the night at a friends house, Nikki Stout. After that he came up from Roosevelt or I'd go down there every couple of weeks until he moved up here and lived with his grandparents. He left everything, his friends his family and job to be closer to me.
It was love at first sight, for me at least haha he decided that he truly loved me on Jan 11th at like 11:30 ish. I remember because I was txting him and bugging him about studding to pass his History test so he would graduate early and possibly move down when Donelle called and we had been chatting for a while and so I couldn't txt him back, but when I got off the phone I read his txt and it said:
K well I'm going to bed now I'll just study before the class, good night I love you.
It was the first time he had said it, and I was overly thrilled! Still to this day when he say's it I'm the happiest person on the earth at that moment.
I knew I loved him the second time we hung out over the New Year break, and as time went on I knew we were ment to be together In the 5th month that we had been dating my life changed. Aside from all the other problems I had going on with Sheridan and my Parents, I did something that I swore I'd never do, sex before marriage. It taught me so much about not only me but him, my religion, and the people in my life (it meaning the after maff). it built my relationship with God. Now in no means am I saying that sex before marriage is good, it was HARD, but because I love learning ( like in school) but also from my life and the mistakes with in it, and I have wonderful friends and dance teachers that were completely there for me threw it all, I was able to change something Neg. in to a Positive.
Threw this experience I was able to talk to Austin about religion. Why this is so important is because it's something that's stood between our relationship [ He does believe in God, he just chooses not to belong to a religion he's afraid of choosing the wrong one, if any of them are true (sounds familiar right?) so he lives by his beliefs all really really really close to the gospel (the Farley side is Mormon, some of them, and his moms side is Catholic, so he was raised a Christian)]. He pared to God with me to help us. The day after it happened we got in a huge fight and basically told him that he had to go Mormon right then and there (witch was REALLY stupid of me! My REAL issue wasn't him not being moron, it was that I had messed up and was in shock of what I had done), he said that I should accept him the way he is.
When this incident happened my dear sweet dance teacher, Marry Mitchell helped me more than ANY ONE, even my bishop and steak president. I was able to tell her EVERYTHING and she helped me see the eternal perspective and most of all, that I cannot pray to God asking him for answers for AUSTIN, I.E. asking him to know if Austin would become Mormon. Because that is between Austin and God, and it has to be him who want to know, does no good for me to know, even if it's my "comfort". I'm sure I would have held it against him, and it would have only caused more problems. I was able to share what Marry taught me with Austin and we were able to work threw our problems, momentary. Because I was willing to let him pray to God for HIM, and I for myself.
After that things were going well for a while. Then he felt pressured into being Mormon. He 'said' that he knew what it meant to me and he wanted me to be happy so be broke up with me. This also taught me a lot. I was hurt and confused for a while The night he broke up with me I threw a fit like a 3 year old. And for the next two days I locked myself in my room wondering what I change about myself to make him come back. Then I relised, that he fell in love with me because of the girl I was. Before I met him I had been having a hard time with my ex from the summer before so I wrote a list of qualities to my true love and in my dream poster I put a guy that treats me like I deserve! And well I sertonally got what I asked for, not long after that I met Austin and he matched that list 110%! But what he didn't relised is that my relgion is the thing that makes me that person. The biggest PROBLEM between us is the biggest BOND between us. So I started getting more involved again with the church.
The biggest problem is that, like it was stupid of me to demand him to be Mormon and I was blaming him for MY actions, he was also (and still is) confused. He know's he still loves me and that's why he keeps me in his life instead of shutting me out completely, even tho I hurt him. Because he's figuring things out he's been struggling with. While I'm sitting here wait for him to figure it out. I'm not saying that his confusion is the ONLY problem even tho it adds to all the other ones, and there are aria's witch we, me and him, need to work on and figure out TOGETHER. But the thing I've noticed is when we have God in the relationship is when we are the strongest.
So recently he was reading my txt (witch he never used to do, and is a sign of insecurity) and there was something I sent to another guy that he read (witch I admit was wrong of me to send, regardless if it meant nothing). And it hurt Austin, but most of all SCARED him. He felt like I was cheating on him, witch is RIDICULOUS and OUT of the question! I love Austin more than life it's self! But I am discussed with myself, because I know what he's thinking and feeling, I was once there myself.
I could sit here and go on and on about how bad I feel about it, but it's not going to fix anything. I have told him how sorry I am and until he decides to accept it there's nothing more I can do, for now. But I do love him and we will work threw this, I know he still loves me and wants to work this out as much as I do, or he'd shut me out COMPLETELY.
I LOVE you Austin Farly, now and forever!

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-another journal entry 07.08.09 -
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I don't know what to do.
Austin need's to make a choice. He holds on to things from the past that has hurt him. And it hurts him even more because he chose to run away instead of facing the problems. He sweeps the mess under the carpet, thinking that if it's out of sight it's out of mind, when actually he's fearing when the mess comes back out cause it was never really cleaned. He wont say I love you verbally, even tho I can see it in his eyes and feel it. He's either:
1. Trying to push me away so he doesn't have to choose
OR
2. Trying to tell himself he doesn't love me
And I get the feeling it's 2. He can't hid how he feels, so that's not going to work. Witch is why being friend wouldn't work. Because It'd be to hard, so I wont be just friends, it wouldn't work. But I don't want to leave him. I wish I could just make up his mind for him. If he doesn't decide to let it go it wont happen, how are you ever going to get anywhere if you don't start? You have to make a decision, THEN act on it. I love him, I will never love any one more, but we can't be together like this, it will only ruin us. And I am weak and wont let him go.

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-Sunday lesson shortly after-
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BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE :)!

hold on and maintain your worthiness!!!!!
[your still promised blessings]

Change made together from each grows stronger. But one not made change or changes made separately grows apart.
*It's not judging them, it's being WHY they love you. ANd if you change that , they wont love you any more, but most importantly you wont love you any more, and how can any one love you if you don't?
Non-supportive:

• Disregard
• Neglect
• Ignore
• Weaken

Supportive:

• Motivate
• Guide
• Strengthen
• sustain

Build the relationship:

1. Considerate on good points
2. Supply ideahs
3. Treat them as you want them to be come
4. Have a listening ear
5. Honest
6. Supportive
7. Give advice when ASKED
8. Do
9. Pray (then listen with and OPEN ear and heart)
   

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07.20.09
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Stephen Stewert, my cuzin, and I talked about religion today. He isn't Mormon because of an insistence with his parents wich he feels the church wronged his father. It's funny cause the better I get to know him the more he reminds me of Austin. Stephen gave me the best advice today-
"You'll never know you just have to fallow your heart."
I've been seeking advice from every one elts because I want to know what I'm doing, how I'm handling things with Austin is right. Because I'm scared of messing things up, I feel like only my decisions aren't enough. And I need to do what I feel is right, even if I"m not 100% positive. BUt the lord will help me to know what to do for ME, I just need to keep that in mind.
I love my family reunions!! I come from a WONDERFUL back ground! Very LOVING, FUN, UNDERSTANDING, GIVING, STRONG people! I hope every one keeps coming to the reunions!! There was a lot of people missing this year. Some had passed away, but I so enjoy getting to know the young ones and old ones. I got told I looked like a mother! :~) haha. Starting college next month SO excited!
Remembering Kiss's:

1. At his parents house. He has this look on his face, it was the first time I saw that look ( I LOVE that look! It's like,ah, words can't enplane! It's the look that Cass told me that she could just SEE how much he loved me from the way he looks at me) And I leaned in to kiss him.
2. In my room he was being a pill and the girls wanted him to come upstairs with him so I kissed him to get him up :P
   
3. When he gave me a message then leaned over and kissed my check
   
4. When I was balling and he didn't know what to do so he just held me and kissed me
5. The "good bye kiss"

"That witch comes easily, departs easily. That which comes of struggle remains."

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ALMOST DONE! ;)!-
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Hey,
Can't sleep. SO I died my hair blond, didn't like it much at first, but it's growing on me. SO Austin and I are friends, and it's not to bad. I thought'd it's be hell, but it's a lot better than being ignored. I've been thinking... I just want Austin to be happy. And if things never work out with us I just want him to find what he is to me. That even tho we don't totally agree on everything that's life. Since I was little I wanted a 'perfect' boy friend ha, true love. Probably why I love country music so much. I wanted some one who was handsome, successful, caring, understanding, willing, some one who always going to be there, who'll go on adventures with me and have a fun time. And it's funny how much each and every one of my FRIENDS are already that to me. So why am I going looking for something I already have? Each of my friends are my 'true love.'
How come I can help my friends threw their love life's, or life's in general- but I can't my own? I think I need to be a better friend to myself. And that's why I loved Austin so much. He always encouraged me to be everything I could be, even if that meant with out him. That I'd get up and go to school, get my home work done, made sure that I wouldn't give up. He made me promise to never change who I am for any one, and I broke that promise.
And right now I don't know what I want any more. And I need to start figuring it our, for sure, and start being a better friend to me. I need to make sure and believe in myself, they way Austin did.
And I just want him to be happy find some one where he doesn't matter how your feeling with her he's happy. When she hold him he has a smile. That they are completely happy together. and some day I hope it can be me. But for now he's happy being friends and so am I.

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Last one-
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K having another can't sleep night. And it SUCKS! I have so much to do this week, it's CRAZY And I can't stop thinking about SO much! I'm so confused about everything in life! Mostly about Austin. I love him... I'm just so lost now. He doesn't want to be a couple, but he doesn't want any other girl. He just keeps saying 'I don't know' WHAT DOESN'T HE KNOW?! I just wish he would tell me! I really wish he wasn't camping right now, I"m so frusterated nd want to go talk to him, even tho it wouldn't do anything cause he would just say 'IDK!'
My feelings are SO confused at times I say whatever I don't care we wouldn't ever work out and other ( most of the time!) I can't imagine life with out him. He's so mature, but Immature, sweet and thought full, but so unthoughtful, the one who understands me, and the last person to get it... am I just to picky, controlling? Am I crazy like my father? Or is it him? Am I to honest? Not Honest enough?
I might be pregnant, yea that whole being friend thing didn't work because we still have feelings for each other. Life would change so much, but I don't know what I would do with the child. I think it's a boy because dad feels like there's a little boy that wants to come to the family, and mom ISN'T pregnant. Then Abby, from work, had a dream I got pregnant with a BOY and I named him Calvin. I don't know what I'd do. Be a signal parent? Give it up? Marry Austin? Or...
wait for another dad to come along for it. I really want Austin, but he's so unsure and confused. I want him in my life for ever some how as a friend at the LEAST (eventually). But I pray for more than that. He just isn't leaving me much options. Some times I wish I could jump time to see what 's going to happen- but fate can't happen by waiting it takes action.
He has no idea how much he influences me, how he is my inspiration, how much I think of him EVERYDAY. About us start to end, fails and progress's, who I am with him and without him In every aspect of my life I think of him. And how it doesn't matter what I do, I will never be over him. How ALONE I feel with out him. He doesn't understand that when I say I love you, I MEAN it!! And that he's so different from all of my past relationships. That I cry myself to sleep at least 3 times a week cause I miss his hug, smile, HIM! He's more than just another boyfriend, he's part of me.
I remember when I told him he had to go Mormon, he left and went home, he cried and cried and cried. He called me probably around 30 times and left me voice mails, I didn't hear my phone cause it was on silent and I feel asleep, I was woken up by a family member saying Austin had called the house and WONT stop calling, to call him back. Then I looked at my phone and he was calling I answered it. I cannot describe the sadness in his voice, Imagine one of your loved ones dying, that is what he sounded like. He was so scared that he had lost me for good, he prayed to God. That sadness is me every day with out him now. Those tears I cry myself to sleep with.